Glass Window / Sunday, August 12, 2007
There is always a glass window people wear when socialising.
There is always a glass window people wear when alone.
To me, I always have a glass window almost 24/7.
A glass window is a fake self, something you project to hide certain qualities about yourself that you are either ashamed of or feel it is necessary to continue holding a charade with. It is interesting, because I've always thought it projects the image you want people to hold about you.
But that isn't always true. I've come to realise that not only is that a falsehood, it does not always guarantee you the true thing that you want. Sure, you get a better image from your peers, but is that what you truly want?
I'm certain that not all people are in this position, because, surely, not everybody is determined to be fake. I salute all those out there who are happy and willing to be 'true', not only to themselves, but to the world. Now, I certainly don't feel this is too abstract to be understood, but bear with me if I skip/gloss over what it means to be 'true' or 'false'.
To me, I always feel I come across as 'fake'. Not real. Certainly not as polished as my image seems to be to the public. And even if you had a bad image of me to start with, that's probably definitely better than what it means to reveal my true nature to the world. But that argument hits a snag...Aren't all people aiming for things that they want, and hence, reveal their tendencies to side with their true nature? Not necessarily, no. Sadly, people like me don't always feel serving our best interests is the way to go. In fact, even posting this blog entry could be considered a release of my 'true nature', or if you were to consider from another perspective, more embellishments that fuel my continual glass window.
People always come to me looking for a joke, perhaps seeking humour which they cannot seem to satisfy by themselves, and always end up leaving either bemused by what I have to offer or downright confused. I sometimes envy them, being able to laugh for the joy of laughing; to be able to truly act out their actions. No, I shouldn't say 'act'. I act. They live their actions. It pains me when I realise that I don't laugh because of its source, but because it is expected of me if I am to maintain this image. And the laugh then comes out. Not truly forced, partly because there is a ring of humour to whatever the joke is, but mainly because I'm so pitiful its funny. I can only speak for myself, but perhaps this holds true for you too? Perhaps.
I do realise that it is often my fault I'm trapped in this predicament, this endless cycle. I'm also aware I just deleted a paragraph which makes this one invalid simply because I haven't explained why its an endless cycle. But suffice to say it was too profound to be on this blog. And also it was too truthful. But I suppose my agenda behind this post was to be truthful...rather self-defeating then, isn't it?
To the point, I just wish I wasn't so fake, so that nobody would ever expect me to be anything more than what I should be. A minimalist. A nobody. Just that guy in the grade you remember by face, but can't recall his name, what classes he's in and who he hangs out with. That guy. No, not the one that hangs in the library. Not the guy who stays in the senior study studying. That guy you see stalking the corridors at lunch and recess because his only purpose in your life is to fill in space.
[The following 4 paragraphs have been omitted]
So following on from that, I can only conclude that this fake projection is extremely weak. One chink in a glass armour and the whole thing collapses soon after. Now, I feel this image only needs to hold for another couple of months. Then I'll truly decide if I should convert to bullet-proof glass, or just melt it altogether and start afresh. Well, at this point in time, I am the fake me. The fake me is who I am. So...
Cheers.
Labels: emotions, rant, stress
/because of my high tolerance.
9:01:00 PM
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